Canon Plot Enforcers
by Salingerfan4077
Summary: The 4077th gets two new visitors! Read and Review! WARNING: Lots of swearing!


_A/N: I do not own any familiar characters. I was inspired to write this fic when I read _Troll Hunting _by IndeMaat. Excerpts in italics are from _Homebound _by Queenjupiter._

_**Canon Plot Enforcers**_

**By Needles**

Agent Steve was sitting in his cubicle playing his GameBoy when Agent Paul came in.

"Hey, Shit Lips," said Paul. "The commissioner wants us in her office pronto." Steve got up from his desk and walked with Paul to the commissioner's office.

"Sit down," commanded the commissioner. The two agents sat.

"You two are assigned to do a mission," stated the commissioner. "A fanfic called "Homebound" was very poorly written, so you two have to go in there and fix it." Whenever a fanfic was poorly written, and one often was, a couple of agents from the Canon Plot Enforcers have to go in the story and revert it to canon.

Agents Paul and Steve realized they have to go into a badfic called "Homebound." They were both delighted to find out it's a MASH story. They both know enough about the show to know what's canon. They both pressed buttons on their watches. They were fancy watches that put them in fanfics. The two agents found themselves in Korea.

"Holy Shit!" exclaimed Steve. "We're in MASH." They were about to go to the mess tent, before they realized they have to look more inconspicuous. The two agents went into the latrine and came out wearing army uniforms. They went into the mess tent and took their food to a table.

"Someone should tell the cook that the beef stew is cold and undercooked," complained Paul.

"It's not beef stew," said Steve. "It's fruit salad." They noticed an MP come in and then all of a sudden, an outburst came.

_Frank: FUCK THA POLICE!_

They saw that it came from Frank. But Frank didn't really look like Frank. He was wearing a sky blue Sean John sweatshirt, baggy trackpants, humongous white K-Swiss sneakers, a diamond earring in his left ear, and a silver necklace with a diamond dollar sign.

_And he got out a gun and fired it at the military police officer! Everyone was screaming and running for cover away from the shower of bullets! Then the gun ran out of bullets so he just threw it to the ground and started to run away but then tripped over the gun! The military police officer grabbed Frank and handcuffed him._

"Why the fuck was Frank dressed as a rapper?" questioned Agent Paul.

"And the story was written in script format," said Agent Steve. "Talk about bad grammar. Script format is not allowed on The two agents started to take notes in the unusual things happening.

_Radar said that, he would probably be charged in army courts and he would be sent home and kicked out of the army!  
Hawkeye: That would be great news, if it didn't come from your mouth, smartass!_

"Now Hawkeye is being mean to Radar," said Paul. "That's just totally fucked up." They followed Radar to the CO's office and saw Colonel Potter.

"Wait a second," said Steve. "How can Colonel Potter be here when we just saw Trapper in the mess tent?" A true MASH fan knows that Potter and Trapper were never there at the same time.

_In the army jail place, Frank was sitting behind bars. They were going to charge him and put him on the stand but Frank made up an excuse, saying he did it because he had lots of emotional problems. They said ok and released him back to the 4077 on the condition that he talk to Sidney Freeman. He said ok so he returned to the MASH!_

_Hawkeye: What are you doing back here you idiot?_

_Frank: Fuccck shawty, Don't you be givin me no shit._

_Hawkeye: Frank, you shouldn't have been let out of jail!_

_Trapper: Yeah, you need to be rotting in a stinky jail cell._

_Frank: I don care watchu think._

"Damn," said Paul. "The writer sure has bad spelling skills. Don't they teach spelling in schools anymore?"

"I wouldn't know," replied Steve. "I haven't been to school in the last ten years. But I do know that nobody talked like a gangster rapper back in the fifties."

_Meanwhile back in Margaret's tent, Frank was breaking the news._

_Frank: Baby, I'm leaving. I'm goin back home to New York._

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" exclaimed Paul. "I know for a fact that Frank lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Not New York." Margaret also looked out of character. She was wearing an off-pink polyester tracksuit and her hair was most likely weaved.

_They had such a great relationship and Frank felt kind of bad about leaving it. But Frank had to get back to his brothas. The war was so gay anyway._

"I wouldn't say that Frank and Margaret had a great relationship," stated Steve. "Theirs was just pure adultery."

"Now there's an oxymoron," piped Paul.

"I am not an oxymoron, you dipshit," retorted Steve.

"No, I didn't call you an oxymoron," said Paul. "An oxymoron is a figure of speech that combines two normally contradictory words."

"Also, Frank does not live with his 'brothas," said Steve. "He lives with his butt-ugly wife and three daughters."

"Ferret Face has kids?!" exclaimed a surprised Paul. "Shouldn't there be a law against that?" Steve and Paul walked into the mess tent as it is dinner time.

_In the mess tenet, Frank was sitting at a table with the rejects (Radar, Father Mulcahy, lame nurses) when Margaret burst in screaming and yelling! She went up to the cook and screamed in his face! Then she threw all trays on the floor and threw some stew on the floor and stomped on it. Then she threw some mashed potatoes at Klinger and even the kernel!_

"Radar, Mulcahy, and Klinger are not rejects," noted Steve. "And as far as I can tell, there are no lame nurses at the MASH 4077th. Every nurse that was on the show was always very attractive and well-liked."

_He got a gun from the supply closet and creeped into the tent he once shared with them. Then in the dead of night he yelled: I'MMA BUST A CAP IN YO ASSES! YOU AIN'T GONNA SNITCH AND GET AWAY WIT IT!_

_And he fired the gun straight at them. The bullets were ripping, flying through the air. The all missed Hawkeye and Trapper though, but instead, two ricocheted off of the footlockers and hit Frank in the arm and stomach! Frank hit the ground._

When Frank accidentally shot himself, Paul and Steve couldn't help but laugh. They thought it was funny.

_Col: Everyone calm down! Get Frank to the operating house!  
But Hawkeye said there was no way he would operate on Frank!_

"Hawkeye would never refuse to operate on a patient," stated Paul. "Even if he does totally hate the guy."

_They all lay dying on the ground. Trapper leaned in for one final kiss to Hawkeye and confessed his love for him._

_Margaret: Oh that's beautiful!!!_

_Frank was like losers! Queers! But everyone's like shut up Frank!!!!_

_Trapper: I'll miss you hawk. I've always been scared to tell you but I love you!! I really do. You're really hot!_

_Hawkeye: I've always felt, the same way. You've been like an angel to me here in these days of hell war._

"Hawkeye and Trapper are not gay," said Steve. "Especially not for each other." Then Paul had an idea.

"There aren't supposed to be any lame nurses here," said Paul. "Let's kill them and see what happens." The two agents took out their ray guns and shot all the 'lame' nurses. Hawkeye and Trapper are no longer gay for each other and no one hates Radar anymore, but the agents are only halfway done.

_Then Five O Clock Charlie came flying overhead in his jet. Col Potter knew this was bad news._

"Trapper and Potter aren't supposed to be here at the same time," said Steve. "Good thing I filled out discharge papers for him." Steve and Paul walked up to Trapper.

"Captain McIntyre," said Paul. "Your discharge papers are in. You're going home." As soon as Trapper took the discharge papers, the two agents found themselves outside surrounded by tents.

"Is everything back to normal yet?" asked Steve. Then they looked around. Potter was riding his mare, Sophie. Frank and Margaret are in uniform. Hawkeye was walking with BJ. The same MP that Frank shot at the beginning of the story walked into the camp.

"Yep," said Paul. "Everything's back to normal. You ready to go back?" Steve nodded and the two agents pressed the buttons on their watches and teleported back to headquarters.

_**The End**_


End file.
